When the adult survivor of emotional child abuse separates themselves from the birth family, they often upset the family’s self-image, reputation, or order of business, which leads to a backlash from relatives, friends, and, at times, even spouses. (At The Invisible Scar, we’ve heard of all varieties of backlash that adult survivors have endured.)
My Comments:
Because I have been vocal about the emotional abuse that went on in the family, I already know that I will getting backlash AND the SILENT TREATMENT from everyone in my family that is close to me. It's already happening now. EVERYONE has gone silent on me, because they are upset and furious over me by speaking out on the truth.
DISBELIEF: The adult survivor finds mutual friends or family members not believing the adult survivor’s account of their upbringing.
My Comments:
I have this going on now. No one on either side of my family believes the abuse incurred to me by my father (sexual, emotional, verbal, mental abuse) or my mother (emotional abuse). Everyone would rather believe in the lie that they are kind and loving people for that's how they portray themselves out in public.
GUILT: The adult survivor may find friends and relatives badgering the adult survivor in continuing the relationship with the abusive parents. Some comments include:
"You’re just abandoning them over a silly old fight!”.
No. The decision to go No Contact may seem sudden, but emotional child abuse is a lifelong campaign by the abusive parent against the child. What a mutual relative or friend sees is not the complete picture. Never.
My Comments:
And I find this to be true as an adult. As a result of me speaking out, I will be blacklisted from the family from now on. When family gatherings come about, I will not be invited. Should any weddings occur in the family, I will not be invited. Why? Because I chose to speak the truth and not keep the lie going.
Your parents are old. They’re not going to be around for much longer.”
You reap what you sow. In most cases, an emotionally abused child has spent his childhood doing everything possible to win the love of the parent. We’ve heard adult survivors share stories of emotionally abused children taking on parental responsibilities. In other words, the emotionally abused child was given the role of the parent and forced to give the abusive parent unconditional love, support, understanding, etc., and the child received nothing back. Now that the adult child is grown, the adult child does not need to keep doing that. The parents have to deal with the consequences of having been abusive parents. They have to deal with the repercussions of having abused their children.
My Comments:
Unfortunately, I've already had my daughter make this statement to me. What's sad is that she doesn't realize that she, too, was forced to give unconditional love, support and understanding to my mother when she was a child. I only wish that she could see that the abuse is still continuing in her life today.
“Your parents did the best they could.”
So? Just because an abusive parent didn’t mean to be abusive, that doesn’t mean the behavior wasn’t abusive. And it doesn’t mean the adult survivor needs to continue putting himself/herself in the direct path of an abuser. An adult survivor who goes No Contact is protecting themselves from the abuse, whether the abusive parent was subconsciously or consciously acting.
SILENCE. The adult survivor may find mutual friends and relatives choosing a side—and they will choose the parent. That’s fine. Let them go. They deserve each other and can get entangled in their own web of lies, deceit, and secrets. But you, adult survivor, live in the light, live in the truth. Being in the truth alone is better than being in the deceit together.
My Comments:
Unfortunately, this is already happening. Relatives on my dad's side of the family believe that my father is a loving and caring person. People on my mother's side of the family believe that she is a loving caring person as well. And that's fine. I've grown tired of having to live a lie just to protect the abusers in my life. I WILL NO LONGER LIE TO PROTECT THEM. And because I have chosen this path is the reason why I have absolutely NO FAMILY MEMBERS on either side that believe in the truth about these abusers. That's their decision and they can stick with it. For me? It's time to start letting the truth out so I can begin my healing process.
My Comments:
Because I have been vocal about the emotional abuse that went on in the family, I already know that I will getting backlash AND the SILENT TREATMENT from everyone in my family that is close to me. It's already happening now. EVERYONE has gone silent on me, because they are upset and furious over me by speaking out on the truth.
DISBELIEF: The adult survivor finds mutual friends or family members not believing the adult survivor’s account of their upbringing.
My Comments:
I have this going on now. No one on either side of my family believes the abuse incurred to me by my father (sexual, emotional, verbal, mental abuse) or my mother (emotional abuse). Everyone would rather believe in the lie that they are kind and loving people for that's how they portray themselves out in public.
GUILT: The adult survivor may find friends and relatives badgering the adult survivor in continuing the relationship with the abusive parents. Some comments include:
"You’re just abandoning them over a silly old fight!”.
No. The decision to go No Contact may seem sudden, but emotional child abuse is a lifelong campaign by the abusive parent against the child. What a mutual relative or friend sees is not the complete picture. Never.
My Comments:
And I find this to be true as an adult. As a result of me speaking out, I will be blacklisted from the family from now on. When family gatherings come about, I will not be invited. Should any weddings occur in the family, I will not be invited. Why? Because I chose to speak the truth and not keep the lie going.
Your parents are old. They’re not going to be around for much longer.”
You reap what you sow. In most cases, an emotionally abused child has spent his childhood doing everything possible to win the love of the parent. We’ve heard adult survivors share stories of emotionally abused children taking on parental responsibilities. In other words, the emotionally abused child was given the role of the parent and forced to give the abusive parent unconditional love, support, understanding, etc., and the child received nothing back. Now that the adult child is grown, the adult child does not need to keep doing that. The parents have to deal with the consequences of having been abusive parents. They have to deal with the repercussions of having abused their children.
My Comments:
Unfortunately, I've already had my daughter make this statement to me. What's sad is that she doesn't realize that she, too, was forced to give unconditional love, support and understanding to my mother when she was a child. I only wish that she could see that the abuse is still continuing in her life today.
“Your parents did the best they could.”
So? Just because an abusive parent didn’t mean to be abusive, that doesn’t mean the behavior wasn’t abusive. And it doesn’t mean the adult survivor needs to continue putting himself/herself in the direct path of an abuser. An adult survivor who goes No Contact is protecting themselves from the abuse, whether the abusive parent was subconsciously or consciously acting.
SILENCE. The adult survivor may find mutual friends and relatives choosing a side—and they will choose the parent. That’s fine. Let them go. They deserve each other and can get entangled in their own web of lies, deceit, and secrets. But you, adult survivor, live in the light, live in the truth. Being in the truth alone is better than being in the deceit together.
My Comments:
Unfortunately, this is already happening. Relatives on my dad's side of the family believe that my father is a loving and caring person. People on my mother's side of the family believe that she is a loving caring person as well. And that's fine. I've grown tired of having to live a lie just to protect the abusers in my life. I WILL NO LONGER LIE TO PROTECT THEM. And because I have chosen this path is the reason why I have absolutely NO FAMILY MEMBERS on either side that believe in the truth about these abusers. That's their decision and they can stick with it. For me? It's time to start letting the truth out so I can begin my healing process.